Praise For The Poncho

This is one of the headlines that greeted me on Nordstrom’s website, right between “Shoe Clearance” and “Fall ’11: Designer Dresses” on the sidebar. (You didn’t think I was praising the poncho, did you?) “Praise For the Poncho: Cozy up in fall’s favorite sweater shape.” I don’t even know where to begin. Do I check to see if I have been transported into some alternate reality where ponchos are acceptable clothing? (How does one go about checking if you are in an alternate reality, anyway?) Check my passport to make sure I’m not in Mexico? I mean, ponchos?? Really? Why are they anyone’s favorite anything? And calling them a “shape”? Laughable.

I had to click the link. I had to. Like a train wreck you can’t not watch. What could possibly possess Nordstrom to be not only selling but promoting the resurgence of the poncho, which was last popular sometime around the time when I was in the first of my teen years (or, quite a while ago now)? Maybe they reworked the poncho. Maybe poncho is some cool slang for a brand new article of clothing that will be beloved by and flattering on all. (Wishful thinking, right?) I had to know.

Side note: I actually own a poncho, can you believe that? Hot pink, no less. Bedazzled all over the front. Fringed. And I got it when I was approaching the last of my teen years, my senior year of high school. I actually had some really good times in that poncho……Pysch! I do own said poncho, but it was part of a costume, for show choir. But I really had you going for a minute, didn’t I? :)

 Anyway, so there I am on this page where the sweaters category has been filtered to include only capes and ponchos. (Yeah, capes. I would just not even go there, except for Sarah Jessica Parker just had to show up on a red carpet looking fabulous as usual wearing one earlier this week. And really, none of these are capes anyway.) And it’s just as bad as I would have envisioned. I can say one good thing for it, is there aren’t many there, only a page worth. Go take a look. Just let it burn your retinas for a second. Here’s the link. I’ll wait.

Why? Why would you do that to yourself? Think about this for a second. Those girls are models. Or don’t think, but look: you can see how skinny their legs are sticking out beneath these voluminous creations. (Or maybe they only look so skinny because of the hugeness of the ponchos. Maybe the inventor of the poncho is a fashion genius!…..Yeah, I don’t think so either.) They’re tiny little people, and yet you would never know it because they’re wearing blankets with holes in them for their heads. And some of these things are pretty expensive. Why not just buy a Snuggie? It would be cheaper. (I think. What’s the going rate for Snuggies? In any case, I’m sure you get a second one free if you call in the next ten minutes, which is really quite a bargain.)

I keep thinking if I look hard enough, I’ll find one that’s not so bad. One where you can see a waistline, and not just in the spot where the fabric is pooling around the girl’s hand on her hip. But there isn’t one. They’re all just shapeless messes. And the thing about ponchos is they don’t so much have sleeves as armholes, making belting to create shape pretty much impossible. They’re universally unflattering. I just don’t know what more there is to say.

Except for one last thing: I can’t write a blog about ponchos without mentioning the infamous One Tree Hill poncho, that Haley wore on her first tutoring session with Nathan in season one, episode what, four maybe? And the poncho was then mocked periodically for the next eight seasons, which should tell you something about its fashionability. But then again, eight seasons later, Nathan and Haley may be the most lengthy healthy relationship on television, so maybe there’s something to this poncho thing after all…

 

Nah. ;)